4 Kinds Of Sex....
LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained "It wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

DECEPTIVE SEX:
A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the mowed lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked thinking him pretty weird. The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie". My secretary and I are having an affair.
Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep, and that's why I'm late. The wife looked at him, took notice of his grass-covered shoes and yelled; "I can see the grass on your shoes, YOU DAMN LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for "small," $6500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

 

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Degrees of Blonde

1st DEGREE:

A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the telephone, listened a moment
and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some
woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."
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2nd DEGREE:

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror,
and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her
the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy,
it's me!"

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3rd DEGREE:

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes about and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the
door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the
gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun
and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

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4th DEGREE:

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly
says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh that's easy: W."

**************************************************

5th DEGREE:

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?


"Is it mine?"

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6th DEGREE:

A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously,
she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was
applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was
stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

"Why, yes officer I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed
the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" The blonde began. "I was driving
along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me.
So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree swerved to the left
and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another
tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."

"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on
this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and
forth."

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7th DEGREE:

Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to see that she had been
robbed. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The
police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit
patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the
blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his
dog, and then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she
moaned," I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police
for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

 

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Blonde Joke
A overweight blonde goes to her doctor and he puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks.
The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds. When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from all that skipping."



 

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How blonde WAS she?
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...

She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
At the bottom of an application where it says "sign here," she wrote "Sagittarius."

She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said,"Concentrate."
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She studied for a blood test.
She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
She sold the car for gas money.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thought Taco Bell was the Mexican phone company.
She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."



 

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THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO A COP...

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

 

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A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her. I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another, for 13 shots.
Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman....... She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"