Everybody Knows Bubba
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." Off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

Bubba disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. By the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, " Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?

 

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An elderly spinster called a lawyer's office and told the receptionist
she
wanted to see a lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist
suggested
they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come
into
the office. The spinster replied, "You must
understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't
like
to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"
The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the
spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.

The lawyer's first question was. "Would you please tell me what you
have in
assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"
She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have
$100,000 in my savings account at the bank."
The lawyer asked, "How would you like the $100,000 distributed?"
The spinster said, "As I have told you, I've lived a reclusive life,
people have hardly noticed me, so I'd like to spend $95,000 on my
funeral."
The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $95,000 you will be able to have a
funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting
impression!
But tell me," he continued, "What would you like to do with the remaining
$5,000?"
The spinster replied, "I've never married, I've lived alone almost my
entire life and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd
like to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."
"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, "But I'll see what I
can do and get back with you."

That evening the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric
spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could
do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her
husband to agree to provide the service himself. The next morning she
drove him
to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house.

She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew
the car horn. Shortly the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer
stuck his
head out and yelled, "Pick me up in a couple of days! She's going to let
the
County bury her!"

 

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21 PREREQUISITES TO BEING A MODERN LIBERAL DEMOCRAT

1) You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of funding.

2) You have to be against capital punishment, but for abortion on demand, in short you support protecting the guilty and killing the innocent.

3) You have to believe that the same overpaid public school idiot who can't teach 4th graders how to read is qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

4) You have to believe that trial lawyers are selfless heroes and doctors are overpaid.

5) You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than nuclear weapons in the hands of the Red Chinese.

6) You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the brilliance of the Sun, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.

7) You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being gay is natural.

8) You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

9) You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature but pasty activists who've never been outside Seattle do.

10) You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11) You have to believe there was no art before federal funding.

12) You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.

13) You have to believe the free market that gives us 500+ channels can't deliver the quality that PBS does.

14) You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it stands up for certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution.

15) You have to believe that taxes are too low but ATM fees are too high.

16) You have to believe that Harriet Tubman, Cesar Chavez and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.

17) You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.

18) You have to believe that second-hand smoke is more dangerous than HIV.

19) You have to believe Hilary Clinton is really a lady and Rosie O'Donnell is not really a man.

20) You have to believe that conservatives are racists but that black people couldn't make it without your help.

21) You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.



 

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SOME ETERNAL TRUTHS ~~
1. Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
2. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
3. If it weren't for STRESS, I'd have no energy at all.
4. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
5. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
6. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
7. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
9. Going to church doesn't make you a decent human being any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
10. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
11. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
12. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
13. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
14. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
15. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
18. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
19. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
20. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
21. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
22. Someone who thinks logically, provides a nice contrast to the real world.
23. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself

 

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WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE
**** This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel
we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to
describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those
arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
************ This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five
minutes that your football game is going to last before you take
out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

NOTHING
******* This means something and you should be on your toes.
"Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of
wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards.
"Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end
with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
******** This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting
upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
******** This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I
don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few
minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you
in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
********* This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal
statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she
thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her
time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

SOFT SIGH
********* Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are
one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is
content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay
content.

THAT'S OKAY
*********** This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman
can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long
and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you
have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used
in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the
near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in
some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
******** This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving
you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for
doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to
tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS
****** A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.


THANKS A LOT
************ This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say,
"Thanks a Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that
you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the
"Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud
Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."